Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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