made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
