Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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