Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
