my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
