I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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