I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
