Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
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