my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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