This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
