I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
she peed on how many people?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
