got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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