all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
