gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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