I wish I could teleport
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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