Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
