Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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