If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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