i just wanna soil my oats bro
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
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