Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
