I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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