a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
