we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
