there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
