This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
