There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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