OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
