No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
