I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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