he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
