I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
