If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
