i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
