My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
