your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
