he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
