I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
