he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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