I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I would fuck him just for his dog
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
