When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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