OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
