Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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