you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
