just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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