what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
