Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
