he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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