Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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