I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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