Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
