she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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