this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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