Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
