Soap is not a condiment
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
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