I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
