the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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