Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
