we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
We named our party play list daddy issues
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
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