I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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